Like a lot of people who are concerned about body weight and those who yo-yo diet, our weight tend to fluctuate. After my 24th birthday, I was determined and motivated to lose weight once and for all! My weight program began with me weighing 185 lbs (I'm 5'5" by the way). I did the Slim Fast diet while my exercise regime was working out with Richard Siimmons. I lost 25 lbs (we're not going to even go there with the haters who tried to sabotage me). By my 25th birthday, I was 160 lbs and upgraded my exercise routine a little, and by the age of 27, I was 150 lbs but, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get below 150 lbs! So, one day, I was watching a talk show, can't remember which one, and there were 3 women and 1 man on the panel with eating disorders. I became intrigued because I've never heard of such a disease. I totally dismissed all the negative side affects they wee discussing like, the male guest who wore a bag on his side, and I concentrated on everything they did to lose weight, from vomiting to laxative abuse. Finally, I found a diet that works!
At first purging was difficult and painful. I needed to find an easier way to get rid of my food intake. So, I researched people with eating disorders. One of the ways to get rid of the food was to purge right after eating and to eat foods that are easy to purge like, ice cream. Okay! That'll work! And, in deed it did. I abused laxatives, diet pills and cough syrups. I believed there was an ingredient in the cough syrup that helped weight-loss but, I think in reality it was the cold itself that contributed to me losing weight. So, I tried consistently to keep colds. Also, I looked through my mothers' "Vitamin Bible" by Dr. Earl Mindell and made a list of every vitamin that contributed to weight loss. I then, created a hefty bill for myself by purchasing every vitamin on the list.
I became a pro at vomiting. I no longer needed to stick my finger down my throat; all I had to do was put my head over the toilet bowl and allow the purging to happen naturally. After every major meal I purged. After all the snacks in between meals, I purged. I even purged 2 potato chips. I purged soft drinks, especially shakes. I purged and purged and purged! and, although my weight-loss was slow, I continued the madness. At least I was getting thinner. I didn't watch any talk shows that didn't consist of eating disorders. I only watched them because I wanted to learn new ways to loose weight. By the way, every show I watched, there wasn't a single African American telling his/her story.
Bingeing and purging, bingeing and purging, bingeing and purging! What am I doing to myself?! My stomach ached (today I take medication for acid reflux disease), my spine ached, I developed rashes on the back of my neck. I looked pale and my eyes sunken in. My short term memory, if I remembered anything at all, begun to be shorter. My voice, that once sounded like spun silk now sounds harsh and scratchy. My beautiful teeth that I inherited from my mother were dull and sensitive. But still, the obsession to be thin was way too important. So, I increased my work-out routine. Instead of working out twice a day, I now work-out 3 to 5 times a day.
The scale, toilette and compulsive exercising were my best friends. Sometimes, I would wake-up 2 in the morning and do a vigorous work-out. I would then work-out before I went to work. I would come home from work and exercise again before hitting the gym. After the gym, I would indulge myself in another vigorous work-out. By the time, I went to my 10th year class reunion, the pantyhose I wore at 185 lbs and a size 18 misses, I now was wearing as a body stocking and now a size 8. I was a hit at the reunion and smaller at age 28 than I was at age 18! But still, I wasn't thin enough at 135 lbs. My family and friends thought I weighed less, but with all the exercising, I believed it was more inches that were lost than weight. I began to get depress and wonder why the the weight wasn't coming-off faster. Through my research of bulimia, it is said that bulimics don't really notice a change in their body weight because although they purge, some of the food still get digested.
Irregular menstruation, paleness, low body temperature, dizziness, irregular heart beat, hair loss, compulsive exercising, abuse of laxatives, diet pills, and diuretics, mood shifts, social isolation, sore throat, frequent bathroom visits, fasting, and guilt were just some of my experiences as a bulimic.
The day my mother, found a bag of vomit in the trash can, was the most embarrassing moment of my life. I believed she felt a little responsible because she used to tease me about my weight. She had no clue that I allowed a number on a scale to determine my self-worth and that I avoided family and social functions because I thought I wasn't thin enough. Another embarrassing moment was when my ex-boyfriend, noticed that after we have dinner, I would quickly go to the bathroom. One night, after dinner, I did my normal routine of purging when there was a knock at the bathroom door. I quickly sat on the toilette. When he entered, he asked what I was doing. Of course I lied, he then asked me to get off the toilette. There it was my whole dinner right before his eyes! He was hurt and concerned and asked why. To this day, I can't recall what I said to him. Nevertheless, both embarrassing moments didn't change me; my goal to be thin remained my sole ambition.
By the age of 32, I was tired of being tired. I was tired about my constant thinking of food and that damn scale! So, instead of seeking help, I helped myself, well sort of. I no longer purged my whole meal just some of it. My exercise programs went back to twice a day. And, yes, the weight crept back on but, I was happy because I wasn't purging all my food and abusing diet and diuretic pills. Eventually, I stopped purging all together, I think at age 35. Sometimes I would think of a magic diet like, liposuction. I visited a plastic surgeon once regarding the procedure. He sounded like so many people when looking at me, "but you have such a pretty face." However, beauty to me, most of my life was, the less you weighed the more attractive you were.
Today, at age 42, married and a mother of 5 year old fraternal twins, to be thin is so far down my list of priorities. At times, I envision being a size 8 again but, to go through such drastic measures to achieve it, is so not cool (smile). I still exercise and eat in moderation; I've even joined Weight Watchers. My ambition today, is to be happy and healthy no matter what size I am or what the scale says. Besides, my family needs me; no one can give hugs and kisses like mommy!
Finally, I believe that the reason eating disorders in the African American community is hidden is because our pride would not allow us to expose ourselves to scrutiny and public embarrassment. But, I also believe, African American women who suffer or has suffered from the disease have an obligation to spread awareness about eating disorders and to reassure every man and woman that "no matter how fat or thin, the truest beauty lies within".
Please visit daily for future stories of African American women with Eating Disorders.
By: ywev Chairman/Founder
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Women of Color and Eating Disorders
How is it different for women of color?
Eating disorders among college women of color are often associated with very complex social status in the United States. Whether a woman of color is racially distinct, ethnically distinct, or comes from another country -- to the extent she is a minority, her experience in US society at large will be influenced by all the ramifications and implications of being "different." For many women of color, it is this difference that makes them subject to racism.
The challenges of being a student of color
Students of color will commonly have some of the following experiences -- experiences which are both stressful and not typically felt by white students:
* Isolation
* The "fishbowl" effect of feeling conspicuous and much observed
* Acts and attitudes of prejudice and discrimination against them
* Being the target of stereotypes
* The pressure to acculturate (to modify their cultural identification and practices)
These issues may cause ongoing and considerable distress that can show up in problems with eating or body image concerns.
Conflicting cultural standards for beauty and acceptance
The fact that many women of color are bicultural (meaning that they carry in them the influences and identifications of two different cultures) can complicate and stress their personal experience even more. A common trigger for eating disorders in a woman of color is conflicting cultural standards for beauty and acceptance. Your culture of origin, or the culture with which you mainly identify, may hold one set of standards for beauty; but outside of that environment, you are met with another set of standards altogether. You may have been very pleased with your full-figured body, which always seemed attractive in your world; yet now you are finding that thin and muscular is prized, while soft and round is criticized. You may feel you should change how you look--whether or not your body is actually suited to a different shape. Soon you may find your eating behavior has become disrupted and unnatural because you are going against your own natural inclinations.
Internalization of harmful messages
Ideas of beauty that don't fit the norm are often put down by people who can't relate to them and instead see them as strange. Women commonly internalize this as a devaluing of their images and ideals of attractiveness. Preferences which normally have brought you pride and a feeling of being appreciated, may become something you feel embarrassment about. If you lack sufficient validation of your own culture's ideas of beauty, your social identity (that based on culture, race, ethnicity), and even your sense of self, may be eroded. This may put you at risk for eating concerns.
Women of color who are most vulnerable to developing eating disorders
* Those who are or have been separated from their primary cultural group for a significant amount of time
* Foster children reared by white mothers
* Those acclimating to a different culture
* Those with a eurocentric/dominant culture perception of beauty and attractiveness
Keys to recovery
* Awareness of encountering the above social stressors and related emotional pressures which impact body image and eating
* Maintaining or establishing a positive connection to one's culture of origin
* Developing healthy coping mechanisms to manage stress
* Locating reliable nutritional information relevant to college life
* Talking with other supportive peers and/or a professional who can give support
Adapted from the Boston College Eating Awareness Team
Written by Boston College Counseling Services
Eating disorders among college women of color are often associated with very complex social status in the United States. Whether a woman of color is racially distinct, ethnically distinct, or comes from another country -- to the extent she is a minority, her experience in US society at large will be influenced by all the ramifications and implications of being "different." For many women of color, it is this difference that makes them subject to racism.
The challenges of being a student of color
Students of color will commonly have some of the following experiences -- experiences which are both stressful and not typically felt by white students:
* Isolation
* The "fishbowl" effect of feeling conspicuous and much observed
* Acts and attitudes of prejudice and discrimination against them
* Being the target of stereotypes
* The pressure to acculturate (to modify their cultural identification and practices)
These issues may cause ongoing and considerable distress that can show up in problems with eating or body image concerns.
Conflicting cultural standards for beauty and acceptance
The fact that many women of color are bicultural (meaning that they carry in them the influences and identifications of two different cultures) can complicate and stress their personal experience even more. A common trigger for eating disorders in a woman of color is conflicting cultural standards for beauty and acceptance. Your culture of origin, or the culture with which you mainly identify, may hold one set of standards for beauty; but outside of that environment, you are met with another set of standards altogether. You may have been very pleased with your full-figured body, which always seemed attractive in your world; yet now you are finding that thin and muscular is prized, while soft and round is criticized. You may feel you should change how you look--whether or not your body is actually suited to a different shape. Soon you may find your eating behavior has become disrupted and unnatural because you are going against your own natural inclinations.
Internalization of harmful messages
Ideas of beauty that don't fit the norm are often put down by people who can't relate to them and instead see them as strange. Women commonly internalize this as a devaluing of their images and ideals of attractiveness. Preferences which normally have brought you pride and a feeling of being appreciated, may become something you feel embarrassment about. If you lack sufficient validation of your own culture's ideas of beauty, your social identity (that based on culture, race, ethnicity), and even your sense of self, may be eroded. This may put you at risk for eating concerns.
Women of color who are most vulnerable to developing eating disorders
* Those who are or have been separated from their primary cultural group for a significant amount of time
* Foster children reared by white mothers
* Those acclimating to a different culture
* Those with a eurocentric/dominant culture perception of beauty and attractiveness
Keys to recovery
* Awareness of encountering the above social stressors and related emotional pressures which impact body image and eating
* Maintaining or establishing a positive connection to one's culture of origin
* Developing healthy coping mechanisms to manage stress
* Locating reliable nutritional information relevant to college life
* Talking with other supportive peers and/or a professional who can give support
Adapted from the Boston College Eating Awareness Team
Written by Boston College Counseling Services
How do I Help a Friend who has an Eating Disorder?
When You Worry About a Friend's Eating
What do I say? What do I do? Who can help? I What can you say? I What can you expect? I What if there are medical concerns?I What if they will talk about it? I What is not helpful? I What can we do about cultural attitudes about weight? I Resources at Brown I Links you can use
What do I say? What do I do? Who can help?
If you have a friend with an eating disorder, or you worry about what might be an eating disorder, you are not alone. Some estimates are that as many as 1 in 3 college women have struggled with weight, food, body image, disordered eating or an eating disorder by the time they graduate from college. Certainly, among your friends and acquaintances there are women and possibly men who have eating concerns.
Perhaps you have become aware of your friend's problem because you have observed their weight changes, or you feel uncomfortable with his preoccupation with dietary restriction, or you have become aware that she abuses laxatives or vomits to purge herself of what she eats. You feel concerned and wonder how to bring up the subject. You worry that your friend will feel "accused" or "diagnosed" and will be angry with you. It's important to keep in mind that hearing honest concern from others helps break denial and often is the first step on the path to acknowledging the problem and getting help.
What can you say?
First of all, you can make sure your friend knows that you care about them. You might say:
"I'm here for you if you need me. I know you're struggling with a lot of stress lately. Let me know how I can help."
You may want to go further and share with her/him what you have observed and talk about your specific concerns. For example:
"I've noticed you've lost so much weight and that you're still dieting and losing. I'm worried about your health."
"It seems like we're always talking about weight and food and exercise. You seem so worried about it and so unhappy with the way you look. I'm worried that maybe you don't feel too good about yourself and that maybe you're depressed."
"I heard you throwing up 3 times last week. I know when that happened before you said you had the flu. I'm really worried that it's more that. I'm scared something will happen to you."
What can you expect?
Your friend may deny or minimize or may say "I used to have a problem but I'm better now," or she may acknowledge the difficulty and want to talk about it. If she denies it and wants to avoid it, you may have to be satisfied to have expressed your concerns directly and let it be, for now. Let her know that you are still her friend and are there to talk if she wants to. If your friend's constant discussion of weight and what s/he eats interferes with your relationship, you may have to put some limits on that behavior. Those topics can be declared off-limits in your conversations with each other. If you are disturbed by your friend's restrictive eating, for example, you may decide not to have meals together.
What if there are medical concerns?
If you are concerned that your friend may be in some medical jeopardy and feel you must do more than just express your concerns to them, you may need to ask for additional help -- from family, a medical provider, or other professionals. You can also talk to a dorm counselor, a Dean of Student Life, Psychological Services, Health Services or Health Education for more advice.
What if they will talk about it?
If your friend is willing to talk and be open about the problem, it's important to listen with empathy and without judgment. It may be hard to understand why someone who is attractive and well-liked would think they are "fat and ugly" or why someone would feel they needed to vomit if they had been "bad" by eating a chocolate chip cookie. It is so tempting to try to use logic, reality, and reason to talk someone out of these "irrational" ideas.
One of the most helpful things you can do is facilitate the person's accessing professional help. For Brown students, this is where Health Education, Health Services, and Psychological Services come in. At Health Education, a registered nutritionist is available to see students individually to help evaluate their nutritional status and eating patterns. Health Services provides medical evaluations and Psychological Services evaluates the overall eating disorder in the context of the person's current and past life, providing treatment recommendations.
What is not helpful?
One thing is almost NEVER helpful: monitoring what someone eats. To be told what to eat, how much to eat, to be watched while eating, etc. would create a problem with food for any of us. Imagine how it affects someone who is literally thinking about food all the time. Resist the pull to monitor, comment or advise about eating.
What can we do about cultural attitudes about weight?
There is something else we can do to help friends who are suffering from eating disorders; something that can enhance our well being and that of the community at large, as well. We need to do all we can to eradicate "fatism." It is a form of prejudice and discrimination just like racism or sexism. It is based on the assumption that there is only one "right" or acceptable way to look. It equates thinness with attractiveness, intelligence, ambition, success, and worthiness. There is no room for variety, for difference, for valuing how we REALLY look instead of how we're "supposed" to look. What a wonderful world it would be if we focused on how each other FELT instead of how we looked. What if there were other ways to know deep inside we're O.K., besides how much we weigh, or how small our waist is, or how big our biceps are? It will take a lot of effort on all our parts to change the way we think. Let's start now. We can create an environment where our self-doubt and unfulfilled longings don't have to be expressed in a war against our bodies.
Adapted from the Boston College Eating Awareness Team
Written by Boston College Counseling Services
What do I say? What do I do? Who can help? I What can you say? I What can you expect? I What if there are medical concerns?I What if they will talk about it? I What is not helpful? I What can we do about cultural attitudes about weight? I Resources at Brown I Links you can use
What do I say? What do I do? Who can help?
If you have a friend with an eating disorder, or you worry about what might be an eating disorder, you are not alone. Some estimates are that as many as 1 in 3 college women have struggled with weight, food, body image, disordered eating or an eating disorder by the time they graduate from college. Certainly, among your friends and acquaintances there are women and possibly men who have eating concerns.
Perhaps you have become aware of your friend's problem because you have observed their weight changes, or you feel uncomfortable with his preoccupation with dietary restriction, or you have become aware that she abuses laxatives or vomits to purge herself of what she eats. You feel concerned and wonder how to bring up the subject. You worry that your friend will feel "accused" or "diagnosed" and will be angry with you. It's important to keep in mind that hearing honest concern from others helps break denial and often is the first step on the path to acknowledging the problem and getting help.
What can you say?
First of all, you can make sure your friend knows that you care about them. You might say:
"I'm here for you if you need me. I know you're struggling with a lot of stress lately. Let me know how I can help."
You may want to go further and share with her/him what you have observed and talk about your specific concerns. For example:
"I've noticed you've lost so much weight and that you're still dieting and losing. I'm worried about your health."
"It seems like we're always talking about weight and food and exercise. You seem so worried about it and so unhappy with the way you look. I'm worried that maybe you don't feel too good about yourself and that maybe you're depressed."
"I heard you throwing up 3 times last week. I know when that happened before you said you had the flu. I'm really worried that it's more that. I'm scared something will happen to you."
What can you expect?
Your friend may deny or minimize or may say "I used to have a problem but I'm better now," or she may acknowledge the difficulty and want to talk about it. If she denies it and wants to avoid it, you may have to be satisfied to have expressed your concerns directly and let it be, for now. Let her know that you are still her friend and are there to talk if she wants to. If your friend's constant discussion of weight and what s/he eats interferes with your relationship, you may have to put some limits on that behavior. Those topics can be declared off-limits in your conversations with each other. If you are disturbed by your friend's restrictive eating, for example, you may decide not to have meals together.
What if there are medical concerns?
If you are concerned that your friend may be in some medical jeopardy and feel you must do more than just express your concerns to them, you may need to ask for additional help -- from family, a medical provider, or other professionals. You can also talk to a dorm counselor, a Dean of Student Life, Psychological Services, Health Services or Health Education for more advice.
What if they will talk about it?
If your friend is willing to talk and be open about the problem, it's important to listen with empathy and without judgment. It may be hard to understand why someone who is attractive and well-liked would think they are "fat and ugly" or why someone would feel they needed to vomit if they had been "bad" by eating a chocolate chip cookie. It is so tempting to try to use logic, reality, and reason to talk someone out of these "irrational" ideas.
One of the most helpful things you can do is facilitate the person's accessing professional help. For Brown students, this is where Health Education, Health Services, and Psychological Services come in. At Health Education, a registered nutritionist is available to see students individually to help evaluate their nutritional status and eating patterns. Health Services provides medical evaluations and Psychological Services evaluates the overall eating disorder in the context of the person's current and past life, providing treatment recommendations.
What is not helpful?
One thing is almost NEVER helpful: monitoring what someone eats. To be told what to eat, how much to eat, to be watched while eating, etc. would create a problem with food for any of us. Imagine how it affects someone who is literally thinking about food all the time. Resist the pull to monitor, comment or advise about eating.
What can we do about cultural attitudes about weight?
There is something else we can do to help friends who are suffering from eating disorders; something that can enhance our well being and that of the community at large, as well. We need to do all we can to eradicate "fatism." It is a form of prejudice and discrimination just like racism or sexism. It is based on the assumption that there is only one "right" or acceptable way to look. It equates thinness with attractiveness, intelligence, ambition, success, and worthiness. There is no room for variety, for difference, for valuing how we REALLY look instead of how we're "supposed" to look. What a wonderful world it would be if we focused on how each other FELT instead of how we looked. What if there were other ways to know deep inside we're O.K., besides how much we weigh, or how small our waist is, or how big our biceps are? It will take a lot of effort on all our parts to change the way we think. Let's start now. We can create an environment where our self-doubt and unfulfilled longings don't have to be expressed in a war against our bodies.
Adapted from the Boston College Eating Awareness Team
Written by Boston College Counseling Services
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