My Story as an African American Woman with Bulimia Nervosa

Like a lot of people who are concerned about body weight and those who yo-yo diet, our weight tend to fluctuate. After my 24th birthday, I was determined and motivated to lose weight once and for all! My weight program began with me weighing 185 lbs (I'm 5'5" by the way). I did the Slim Fast diet while my exercise regime was working out with Richard Siimmons. I lost 25 lbs (we're not going to even go there with the haters who tried to sabotage me). By my 25th birthday, I was 160 lbs and upgraded my exercise routine a little, and by the age of 27, I was 150 lbs but, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get below 150 lbs! So, one day, I was watching a talk show, can't remember which one, and there were 3 women and 1 man on the panel with eating disorders. I became intrigued because I've never heard of such a disease. I totally dismissed all the negative side affects they were discussing like, the male guest who wore a bag on his side, and I concentrated on everything they did to lose weight, from vomiting to laxative abuse. Finally, I found a diet that works! At first purging was difficult and painful. I needed to find an easier way to get rid of my food intake. So, I researched people with eating disorders. One of the ways to get rid of the food was to purge right after eating and to eat foods that are easy to purge like, ice cream. Okay! That'll work! And, in deed it did. I abused laxatives, diet pills and cough syrups. I believed there was an ingredient in the cough syrup that helped weight-loss but, I think in reality it was the cold itself that contributed to me losing weight. So, I tried consistently to keep colds. Also, I looked through my mothers' "Vitamin Bible" by Dr. Earl Mindell and made a list of every vitamin that contributed to weight loss. I then, created a hefty bill for myself by purchasing every vitamin on the list. I became a pro at vomiting. I no longer needed to stick my finger down my throat; all I had to do was put my head over the toilet bowl and allow the purging to happen naturally. After every major meal I purged. After all the snacks in between meals, I purged. I even purged 2 potato chips. I purged soft drinks, especially shakes. I purged and purged and purged! and, although my weight-loss was slow, I continued the madness. At least I was getting thinner. I didn't watch any talk shows that didn't consist of eating disorders. I only watched them because I wanted to learn new ways to loose weight. By the way, every show I watched, there wasn't a single African American telling his/her story. Bingeing and purging, bingeing and purging, bingeing and purging! What am I doing to myself?! My stomach ached (today I take medication for acid reflux disease), my spine ached, I developed rashes on the back of my neck. I looked pale and my eyes sunken in. My short term memory, if I remembered anything at all, begun to be shorter. My voice, that once sounded like spun silk now sounds harsh and scratchy. My beautiful teeth that I inherited from my mother were dull and sensitive. But still, the obsession to be thin was way too important. So, I increased my work-out routine. Instead of working out twice a day, I now work-out 3 to 5 times a day. The scale, toilette and compulsive exercising were my best friends. Sometimes, I would wake-up 2 in the morning and do a vigorous work-out. I would then work-out before I went to work. I would come home from work and exercise again before hitting the gym. After the gym, I would indulge myself in another vigorous work-out. By the time, I went to my 10th year class reunion, the pantyhose I wore at 185 lbs and a size 18 misses, I now was wearing as a body stocking and now a size 8. I was a hit at the reunion and smaller at age 28 than I was at age 18! But still, I wasn't thin enough at 135 lbs. My family and friends thought I weighed less, but with all the exercising, I believed it was more inches that were lost than weight. I began to get depress and wonder why the the weight wasn't coming-off faster. Through my research of bulimia, it is said that bulimics don't really notice a change in their body weight because although they purge, some of the food still get digested. Irregular menstruation, paleness, low body temperature, dizziness, irregular heart beat, hair loss, compulsive exercising, abuse of laxatives, diet pills, and diuretics, mood shifts, social isolation, sore throat, frequent bathroom visits, fasting, and guilt were just some of my experiences as a bulimic. The day my mother, found a bag of vomit in the trash can, was the most embarrassing moment of my life. I believed she felt a little responsible because she used to tease me about my weight. She had no clue that I allowed a number on a scale to determine my self-worth and that I avoided family and social functions because I thought I wasn't thin enough. Another embarrassing moment was when my ex-boyfriend, noticed that after we have dinner, I would quickly go to the bathroom. One night, after dinner, I did my normal routine of purging when there was a knock at the bathroom door. I quickly sat on the toilette. When he entered, he asked what I was doing. Of course I lied, he then asked me to get off the toilette. There it was my whole dinner right before his eyes! He was hurt and concerned and asked why. To this day, I can't recall what I said to him. Nevertheless, both embarrassing moments didn't change me; my goal to be thin remained my sole ambition. By the age of 32, I was tired of being tired. I was tired about my constant thinking of food and that damn scale! So, instead of seeking help, I helped myself, well sort of. I no longer purged my whole meal just some of it. My exercise programs went back to twice a day. And, yes, the weight crept back on but, I was happy because I wasn't purging all my food and abusing diet and diuretic pills. Eventually, I stopped purging all together, I think at age 35. Sometimes I would think of a magic diet like, liposuction. I visited a plastic surgeon once regarding the procedure. He sounded like so many people when looking at me, "but you have such a pretty face." However, beauty to me, most of my life was, the less you weighed the more attractive you were. Today, at age 42, married and a mother of 5 year old fraternal twins, to be thin is so far down my list of priorities. At times, I envision being a size 8 again but, to go through such drastic measures to achieve it, is so not cool (smile). I still exercise and eat in moderation; I've even joined Weight Watchers. My ambition today, is to be happy and healthy no matter what size I am or what the scale says. Besides, my family needs me; no one can give hugs and kisses like mommy! Finally, I believe that the reason eating disorders in the African American community is hidden is because our pride would not allow us to expose ourselves to scrutiny and public embarrassment. But, I also believe, African American women who suffer or has suffered from the disease have an obligation to spread awareness about eating disorders and to reassure every man and woman that "no matter how fat or thin, the truest beauty lies within".